I’ve mentioned a few times already that I’m going to be a dad soon, and I can’t wait. I feel like I am one of the few guys that was excited to see a cute baby when I was younger. Maybe this makes me weird, but it also makes me happy that I’m getting to keep one.
That’s right, I made a baby so that I could keep one. I’m done playing with other people’s kids. I get this one.
Anyway, people that matter to me have told me that I will make a great dad. This is obvious. Water is still wet. Just kidding, this actually makes me cry happy tears. No tears should be associated with happiness, so please stop making me cry and instead focus on my eventual faults as a father.
People also like to give me tips. This I love. I’m actually being serious, I really enjoy others giving me funny advice on parenting, especially because they get all excited remembering when they had little ones. Please, keep these coming.
To that point, Tina just sent me a great link (HERE! I know you’re impatient and had to have it) about things that new parents should know. The list is sarcastic and funny, but got me thinking about the things I’m most looking forward to and the many areas in which I will need improvement.
1. I am not allowed to teach our children about animals. This is actually a rule in our house. One time we were driving and there was a weird wire figure animal off to the side. I said, “Tina, look at that funny looking horse!” To which she replied, “Hunny, that’s a giraffe”.
2. I once was playing a game with Tina’s goddaughter where you had to act out the sounds that each animal makes and hope that my partner guessed it first. Naturally, I started “baaaaaaaa”-ing in the poor child’s face while she continued to guess “sheep”, incorrectly. Joke’s on me, I was supposed to be a horse. Strike two.
3. A baby’s neck is so weak that it scares me. My neck is weak. If I keep it in one position for too long, I get headaches. But have you ever held a baby? You know that phrase, “My head would fall off it wasn’t attached to my neck”? Let’s just say, I’m scared.
4. God help me if I have a girl. The funny thing is, people say that to me thinking that I will be overprotective. No, no. That’s not the fear. I’m worried about any time she asks me for something. With her mother’s big, brown eyes: “Daddy, can I have a pony?” Here I am scouring the internet to see if they come in pink. Pink! She didn’t even ask for pink! Now, I’ll have to get her two, in case she doesn’t like the pink one.
5. Did you know that raccoons don’t lay eggs? I didn’t. Not until a rousing discussion about why a rabbit delivers eggs filled with candy to celebrate Easter. The reason: rabbits don’t lay eggs, so they bring us candy filled ones to remind us that they are indeed mammals. Like raccoons.
6. I’m not sure if I’m excited or terrified for when my kid mimics me. I will lose my mind when he or she does something adorable that can be loosely tied to me or Tina. But what happens when baby smacks a water bottle out of my hand and laughs at me like Tina does? And she hits me…
7. Upon the birth of my child, I will provide him or her with baby’s first Jets apparel. There need be no more explanation than that. I am already a bad father.
8. I will cry at every major event. Were you at my wedding? End of story.
9. Speaking of crying… My child will not cry. How could it? Every time my 7th sense picks up a baby in need, I rush over and make it happy with my presence. Or presents. The second one… because I will do everything wrong in the book to make sure my baby is happy. This whole sleep training idea? Who thought of it? Why is it better for my child to scream through the night? If it calls out “daddy”, there will be a daddy-sized hole in the wall from me running to its aid. Sleep training is supposed to teach the baby that it can self-soothe. Forget that! I want baby to need me. I don’t want an independent child. I want an adorable blob that can’t do anything without calling on his or her heroic father and having me save the day.
10. Boy or girl, I seriously am looking forward to plopping my butterball on the couch with me and watching sports. I can’t wait. This is where I get to explain the circle of life: if you are a good child, you get to be a Yankees fan. If you are a jerk, I send you to Boston. If you hate your life, welcome to Queens.
11. Circle of Life! Lion King! Do you know how many kids movies I make Tina watch? We’ve seen Aladdin twice now this month, and I’m not even as diehard a Disney fan as my sister. I just like good movies. I like to laugh. Give me Finding Nemo 2 and my baby and I will be at the premier.
12. Tina and I discussed what will happen when baby cries in the middle of the night. She wanted to have a “serious” discussion on this. But I already covered that a few points ago. Baby won’t cry on my watch. Silly Tina.
13. I can’t wait to get toys again. I don’t know why people ever stop giving toys as gifts. Is it because you think I’m too old? Go play FarmVille and then get back to me. There are chickens that need milking. Anyway, the toys out now are AWESOME (yikes, that does make me sound old). I want some. Buy me Legos. And puzzles. And then get my kid something.
14. Christmas Day.
15. My baby will be fat. Most of you know this, but I can’t wait. I Google pictures of fat babies in my free time (not kidding – but then again, who thought I was?). Whatever Tina feeds baby, I will supplement with milkshakes. When boys come to our yard, I will hit them. Unless they’re fat.
16. If baby is a girl, I will sneak in when Tina isn’t looking and put two fountain ponytails in her hair. The ones that stick straight up and consist of more “hair tie” than actual hair.
17. Everyone says that when you have a baby, your social life disappears. This must be because everyone will come over to hang out with baby and not me. My kid is already a piiimp.
18. If baby is a boy, he will bat lefty. I have batted right-handed my entire life, until I found out that Tina was pregnant. Since then, I got a baseball bat in the living room, printed out a breakdown of Ken Griffey’s swing, and have been practicing. I haven’t done this too much, but I think I’m at the point where I could show him. One day, someone will print out a picture of my son and teach his little boy how to swing like him.
19. I love Tina more than anyone could possibly love another human. And I tolerate myself. Now, there is going to be a round little munchkin that is the combination of both of us!? This is, by far, the coolest thing I could ever imagine. A tiny version of me and my favorite person in the world, smushed together, fattened up, and sent out into the world. It’s not a mistake that we are having a baby after only being married a year. I. Can’t. Wait.
20. After Googling, the Pink Pony is a strip bar in Tampa. I really will never say no to my kids…