Select Page

Everyone credits “the wheel” as the most important technical advancement of all time. Thanks to a rolling rock, heavy things can move easily. That’s just fantastic. Apparently there was a big demand for rolling large items back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, cohabitating with cavemen and saber-tooth tigers. (I’m not sure if Unicorns were extinct yet at this point, so I won’t include them – I don’t want to muddle this post with inaccuracies.)

It’s the 21st century now, and if I need to move heavy objects, I call someone stronger than me.

Therefore, I pronounce the greatest invention of all time goes to…(drumroll)…Advil! (That’s right printing press, you’re basically obsolete now with the internet anyway.)

Advil, how I love thee.

Advil is the most versatile invention on the planet. Have a headache? Take an Advil. Want a candy coated pill that will help you forget about your injured thumb? Advil. Got your legs amputated in World War II? Take two Advil.

I get headaches all the time. Probably once a day. I used to use this other medicine that started with a T, until rumors swept the interwebs that it does some damage to your internal organs. I need those, so I switched to Advil, where I will remain a devout Advilist until the T company wises up and blasts the Twitterverse with rumors that Advil causes your knees to bend the other way, forcing you to walk backwards forever.

I worry about the effects of such addictions to things like Advil, and you, dear reader, should take what I say with a grain of salt. I am clearly hopped up on too much of this miracle pill (put your hand down, Viagra, not you) to be in a position to give sound advice and medical recommendations. However, for the time being, I wanted to shout from the top of a mountain and proclaim my love for the great brown pill.

Advil, how I love thee.

So long as my knees work in the direction intended, and I don’t sprout a fourth arm, I will remain devoted to you. I don’t just carry you around in my backpack, car, nightstand, pocket, purse, quiver, satchel, or Baby Bjorn. I carry you in my heart.

Advil, how I love thee.